Synthoids R Us
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander tries something really scary, coming up with a new plan to get some cash as well as inflate his already huge ego.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own GI Joe characters turned out to be a synthoid and melted away. Here's another fun fic for you to enjoy. **

**Synthoids R Us**

"All right this Cobra Staff meeting will now come to order," Cobra Commander addressed his command staff.

"One moment Cobra Commander," Destro said. "There is one thing we need to do before we start." He took out a device and lightly zapped Cobra Commander in the arm with it.

"Ow!" Cobra Commander shouted. "What was that for?"

"Just checking," Destro put the device away. "Just making sure that you're **you** and not a synthoid."

"Yeah if we have to show up to these stupid meetings so do you!" Zarana snapped. "After all you're the one who calls for them."

"All right! All right! I get the message," Cobra Commander rubbed his sore arm. "Ironically enough that is the topic of today's meeting."

"Showing up?" Torch scratched his head.

"Couldn't get a sitter again could you Zartan?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Synthoids you twit! I'm talking about ways you can make money with Synthoids!"

"Not the prostitution idea again," The Baroness groaned. "Remember what happened the last time you tried that!"

"Look creating a brothel for the rich and powerful was a genius idea!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's not my fault that some of the clients got a little to weird and kinky on the first day!"

"Yeah how did that Senator sneak in those electric cattle prods and the strobe light anyway?" Buzzer asked.

"Who the hell cares?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I've figured out a better idea. Watch this video of a commercial I created."

"So this is Hell…" Destro sighed as the screen came down and Cobra Commander fiddled with the DVD player.

"All right now watch this," Cobra Commander pushed the play button.

A scene filled with scantily clad girls in snake costumes danced around. _"How ya doing Comman-dah? Cobra! Cobra!" _

_"And all the ladies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy,"_ Cobra Commander in a glitzy uniform danced around.

"NO! DON'T WATCH THAT!" Cobra Commander shut off the DVD player and fiddled around with the controls. "Wrong section! Hold on! I've got it. This is the right one."

"You still have that stupid video?" Destro yelled.

"Can you blame him? It's like a demented version of the Bachelor," Zartan remarked.

"I should sue! That show was **my **idea!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Your idea?" Torch asked. "Since when was that your idea?"

"Don't you remember the time Cobra took over all of television?" Zartan asked.

"Sometimes I have trouble remembering what I did this **morning,** let alone twenty bloody years ago!" Torch grumbled. "You know I've had a few dozen head injuries. I think…"

"Well Cobra Commander thought up his own version of the Bachelor years before the reality television craze caught on," Destro explained. "It was called Who Loves Cobra Commander? Apparently no one did."

"It's not funny Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It was a radically new concept then! Of course we had trouble getting women to participate on the show!"

"We even threatened a few actresses with rifles," The Baroness nodded. "They preferred to be shot rather than date a horribly scarred madman."

"How many broads did you shoot?" Buzzer asked.

"None," The Baroness sighed. "They were grabbing the guns from us and trying to shoot themselves. In the end we just felt sorry for them and let them go on their way to the nearest hospital."

"Yeah I mean this is Cobra Commander we're talking about," Dr. Mindbender nodded. "Nobody could blame them!"

"Well why didn't you do what they do on Flavor Of Love and hire some adult actresses or porn stars?" Ripper asked.

"They're not all porn stars on that show," Buzzer gave him a look.

"You got that right mate," Ripper shuddered. "I've seen better looking dames in a kennel."

"And they had better manners too," Torch nodded. "And the decency to be ashamed when they went on the carpet."

"To put it bluntly it was a question of money," Destro remarked.

"He still owed 'em money didn't he?" Torch asked.

"How was I supposed to know that was the year the Adult Entertainment Industry would unionize?" Cobra Commander grumbled.

"So we took drastic measures," Mindbender continued the tale. "We used synthoids."

"That should have worked," Zarana said.

"That was the idea," Destro sighed. "Unfortunately it seemed that that particular batch was highly…unstable."

"That and the fools in charge of lighting had the **genius** idea of using lasers as special effects," The Baroness grumbled. "Let's just say it got a little messy."

"Now that I look back on it our only real mistake was taping it live," Cobra Commander sighed. "I thought the Joes hit us pretty hard until we got a notice from the FCC! So a couple of fake breasts exploded! Big deal! No reason for the censors to get into a snit about it!"

"Fortunately our synthoid technology has advanced since those early days," Destro said. "Not to mention that it is much easier on your dry cleaning."

"Look will all of you shut up for a moment and watch this?" Cobra Commander snapped. He turned on the commercial.

There was a picture of a very bored executive in a meeting. Cobra Commander's voice could be overheard. "Tired of being stuck in board meetings all day? Wouldn't you rather be doing this?"

A shot of the executive golfing was shown. "Or this?" Cobra Commander was heard saying as a shot of the same executive fishing was shown. "Or even **this?**" The executive was on the beach with two lovely ladies in swimsuits next to him.

"Then contact Synthoids R' Us, your personal plastic body double store. Synthoids are perfect replicas of people. They do the work while you get to go play! They are completely biodegradable and not toxic to the environment!" Cobra Commander's voice was heard as shots of Synthoids were being made.

"If they're not toxic then what's that big biohazard sign on the Synthoid Lab for?" Buzzer asked.

"Problems with those pesky unions or immigration services?" Cobra Commander could be heard over a shot of striking workers and then a shot of an INS raid on a Wal-Mart.

"They can be solved in a snap with Synthoids R Us! Whether it's just a couple of workers or a couple of hundred, Synthoids R Us can meet your workplace needs and save your bottom dollar!" Cobra Commander's voice was heard with the logo of Synthoids R Us. "Call Synthoids R Us and see how you can save money and time today!"

"The labor unions are going to **love** this," Mindbender snickered.

"Not just that but we can use the synthoids to steal secrets for us! And that's not all! I haven't even shown all of you my **best **idea!" Cobra Commander said.

"You mean there's another idea even better than **this **one?" Destro drawled.

"This I have **got **to see," The Baroness said as they followed Cobra Commander to a large empty room.

"Take a look down there! Down at Cobra's Newest Army!" Cobra Commander laughed from the catwalk he was standing on. On the floor were over a hundred Cobra Commander Synthoids. All armed with laser rifles.

"Isn't it fantastic! An army of **me!"** Cobra Commander cackled. "I had this idea years ago but never implemented it. I put in on the shelf for some reason. Can't remember why but that's not important. Imagine, thousands of Cobra Commanders stomping across the globe, dominating everything we see! Can you imagine it?"

"I know **I **have," Destro sighed. "Usually before I wake up screaming and covered in sweat."

"Yes, imagine the terror of our enemies when they see all those Cobra Commanders storming towards them!" Cobra Commander laughed. "Why I didn't do this years ago is beyond me!"

"Really? I can think of **one** good reason," Destro casually took out his pistol and fired a few shots into the air.

"COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!" All the Cobra Commanders dropped their weapons and ran around panicking. "RETREAT!"

"Oh yeah," Cobra Commander remarked. "**Now **I remember **why.**"

"The one fly in the ointment in an otherwise well oiled machine of a plan," Destro said sarcastically.

"So that's what he sounds like in surround sound," Torch said.

"Yeah ten times as annoying," Zarana chuckled.

"Oh shut up and get me some laser rifles," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And an overcoat! I just got this uniform dry cleaned!"


End file.
